6 Months in 2 days

           It has been a while since I have been on blogger and for anyone who maybe reading this or following it.. I'm Sorry. A lot has happened. To catch you up. Since my Fathers death Day 1.. Hired an attorney. 6 months later lawyer will not return phone calls nor has there been a court date to work out probate/ heirship.
          In July Mom bought a new car.. Going from a 96 sunfire to a new-ish 2014 Malibu. She is currently with me here in Oklahoma. She spent her birthday and 4th of July here with us. The beginning of the visit did not go so well, but as time has gone on it has gotten so much better. My mom is not really acclimated to being around other people. She is getting better, but sometimes she will zone out in her place that she goes to. I want her to know that no one is attacking her. My anxiety level has subsided since her being here, but I am sure once she goes back home it will return. 
           I myself have been battling an addiction that I started long ago. You would think watching your father battling lung cancer would be enough for someone to quit smoking, but I swear it makes it even harder.. But with many failed attempts, and I say failed I successfully quit for a year.. but because I started back up I consider that a failed attempt.. I am going to go again... I have to.. I keep having nightmares of leaving my son and my husband.. I know that I have to succeed.. Thoughts of what happens to you when you die and what makes us, us? Is there a heaven? Is this all there is.. I have my religious friends who celebrate as loved ones pass away, and well blind faith has never been my thing..
          My son has started asking me if I am happy. My reply is always "Well Jimmy, you make me happy". I want him to feel free to ask me questions about dad. I tell him Pawpa is in heaven, but as his mothers child he asks the hard questions that nobody has the answers to. Dreams of flying with Pawpa. Seeing Pawpa with us on trips, and Jimmy talking to him in the back seat, and about how he is going to fix his body and bring him back so mommy will be happy again.. It is hard, But I'm not sure what will be harder.. Hearing him ask this stuff and seeing him or when it stops...
          I feel my struggles with my depression.. I didn't really think he was seeing it, but judging by his statements it must be written on my forehead with bold red marker.
           My husband... James is trying his hardest to keep up. He is trying and well that is why I love him! I don't know where I would be without him. Speaking of Husband 7 years of marriage will be marked on August 1, 2016. This weekend we will be celebrating. I am sure we will Casino hop.. go have a great dinner, and maybe win a little money and if not we will have a great night! I cant wait!
            Dads Funeral/Party.. Okay so we didn't have a funeral.. He didn't want that. He wanted a party so I am throwing dad a Birthday Party August 27th.. His birthday was August 28th, but that is on a Sunday and to accommodate everyone that Saturday turning over to his Birthday I felt would be better. So here we go. I am ready to tell my Dad goodbye, and for the closure that comes with that if that even exists.. I know I will miss him forever and will always think of him often, but I am hoping this party will help with the just complete and utter sadness I feel all the time. Things have gotten a lot better, but I still have a long way to go. Other than that.. I'm hanging in there, and will write again soon.
          

Houston livestock show and Rodeo

Houston Live stock show and Rodeo!

Jimmy's First EVER! he had a blast! Here are some of the photos:

 Jimmy and NANA getting some Taffy! 

Eating at Yamato

It is always a good time for some Hibachi and sushi, as always YAMATO was Delicious! Jimmy always has to have his photo made with the over-sized panda statue! 

Back to Nanna's house we go!

 Jimmy and My Uncle Clifford after everyone left.. We arrived Friday got to hang with Aunt Vernette and My cousin Michelle. Jimmy was just so pooped! 

Nanna made jimmy Cheese Omelette and fruit! 

Spent time with my uncle. He went with me to get the Camero inspected. Met some interesting people at a Schlotsky's in Pearland.. Got a standing date with my uncle to go check out AL-T's Seafood and Steakhouse in Winnie, TX advised by a patron that it is the best.. Only on Saturday's lol we shall see.. Great Visit :) 

Birthday week for Jimmy

Birthday Week for Jimmy! THE CAKE!

Jimmy and  Mommy and Dada at Walmart picking out present 

BOWLING@Heyday
In Norman, OK. Pizza, Cheese fries and a good time!

 Off to the Water Park!! Water Zoo in Clinton, OK 

Days in stay! Dada and Jimmy watching some TV the night before!

 

Breakfast at the Cafe in Clinton, OK 

At the Water park ready to get some sliding on 

We Had so Much Fun we decided that the Fun should not end.. Went back for some Put put!




  Happy Birthday My Little Man BIG 4!

Aftermath

The Aftermath of Cancer.. The aftermath of death and mourning. My father has been gone now 4 weeks tomorrow.. This is not over for me. This will never be over for me. The void of my father is unimaginably hard. Normal things that I would call and tell him, my Son wanting to face-time. These things at times sends me spiraling into an uncontrollable sadness.. 

I realize it has been just barely a month, but this is not getting any easier. Harder if anything.. I find myself watching videos of past family events looking for the traces of my father interacting with my son.. This has become something that I  have had to make myself stop for the moment. People say that when the hair stand up on your arms for no reason that is a sign of other energy in the room with you..I get that a lot. I would like to think that my father comes to see me, and that reaction is one that is derived from his presents in any basic form.. I wish i believed that.. I WANT to believe that.. 

The things coming up which (My sons Birthday) usually a well planned out bash with tons of family and laughter is less to be desired this year. My husband preemptively bought cake.. At first i was mad but later thinking about it i am happy to have this almost over and his birthday is tomorrow. I am looking forward to the weekend and taking him to an indoor water park, still there is a big piece missing.. Wondering when this feeling will go away, and if I will ever over come this void in my life. I'll let you know.

   

**Post** First one since before Thanksgiving.

Sorry I have not been able to get on here as I have in the past.. So many things have happened in the months leading up. Thanksgiving was one for the books. Went home to spend what I now Know was the Last one with my Father. Everyone for the most part was there. It was really great to be able to spend that day with my family. That I am Thankful! 

Christmas my Mother and Father in-law got a 2 day rental of a condo just a 2 min walk to the beach on Galveston. It was a Beautiful condo. My Mother and Father came along with my son and I to spend Christmas bohemian style. This trip was not exactly what i was hoping it would be. As much of anything pertaining to vacations in my family. My father very weak and in pain spend the time on the couch of this rental watching tv. My mother spent this time worried about my father and least to say this trip was not a Merry Christmas. 

New years came and went and My husband and I with our son made one more trip to spend with my dad right after New Years. That visit was amazing. We enjoyed the visit and had much to look forward to as we thought pertaining to my father.. But that would be short lived. 

On January 25th, 2016 My father had a feeding tube put in. That same day he was rushed to the emergency room. The next day, my Husband and I rushed to Memorial Hermann Southeast Hospital. I got there just as he was getting into a room. My Mother and my 2 Aunts were exhausted, they went home to sleep and my husband and I stayed over night with my father. If I would have known that would be the last night I would be able to hug and kiss my dad I  think  that  night would have went a little different. Me being myself was very strong willed about my father getting some nutrition into his body. His feeding tube had not healed, so he had not eaten anything in 4 days. He was for me, willing to drink a chocolate boost. That was not possible, all they had was vanilla.. So I went with the nurse on his floor and gathered chocolate ice cream and this french vanilla boost trying to hide all traces of its actual flavor so he would drink it. Needless to say I failed. He took one drink and said "Amelia, you cannot fool me. "That is horrible".  My husband laughing about the trickery and sneakiness I displayed almost in a childish manner. Nurses coming in going out. Taking blood pressure, taking oxygen levels, Temperatures. I got with the head nurse seeing my father and she agreed he would be able to get some rest 3 hours was the max she could delay anyone from coming in or out. If I knew that would be the last time I would  lay next to my father I would have probably got in the bed with him!! but I didn't. Instead I pulled up 2 chairs and laid out right next to his hospital bed. Through the hours of 1:30 and 5:00AM I listened intently to hear my father breathing thinking that every sec I heard him was a sec everything was okay. Morning came at 5:15 My father CPAP where air was forced into him to keep his blood oxygen levels up. Finally going down to get something to eat waiting on my aunts and mother to arrive. Problem Arms are swelling, White blood count is extremely high, antibiotics are not circulating as they should. A port seems logical at this point. Dad is getting wheeled to OR.. I catch him in the hallway I give him a kiss and a hug they wheel him in the room. Mom and I talk with the Surgeon. Antibiotics are going nowhere, not circulating through his system because his Vena Cava is being smashed by a tumor. "Gotta open her up" says the Surgeon. "Think of me as a plumber he says. I am going to Angioplasty the Vena Cava  put a stent in and get things moving. I go back in the OR tell my father I love him and that I will see him after his Surgery and I give him one more kiss and hug. My mother and my aunt go to get them some early lunch this would be the first thing my mom has eaten from the day before. It starts getting close to the time he should be out. My husband calls "you Guys need to get up here NOW" we go up and almost immediately from  the elevator the oncologist starts with my mother "we need to make a choice now Denise" " Do we want to put him on a ventilator", "No", My mother says, "That is not what he wanted." I am completely beside myself. My husband catches me as I collapse in hysteria. Dr. Nadeem, my fathers oncologist comes to the room to take me to my father. I am thinking he is still alive but dying, I go into the room I had just said goodbye to my father in.. I walk in and immediately bolt out of the room. I feel people trying to pull me back in. I had to get out. I ran down the hallway, and my husband takes me down.  The glimpse I had for less than a Sec will forever be with me. Just like that, My dad was gone. V-fib is what they said, Heart attack. This point it is climbing on 4 weeks since my father died, and well I am feeling as though this hurt and grief will never leave me. The anger I feel towards his pulmonary doctor, for watching my father slowly disintegrate in front of his eyes.. Without saying a word on how or why this was happening. The Sadness I feel Overwhelms me on a moments notice. Most days it takes everything I have to just simply go through the motions of everyday activities. The ones that are done are done poorly and to just to get by from day to day. Working Full-time and a 3 year old would be impossible if it were not for my husband. 

My Father was Cremated and his ashes are currently sitting with his hat and glasses on top in my mothers bedroom. 

Much like in a natural disaster, I am reminded that all of the things leading up to my fathers death was the calm before the storm. His death was the storm and now we are left with what I call the clean-up. Aftermath of all the hopes, and prayer for a miracle.  My mother is trying to be strong. Being Numb is not going to last forever, and once those gates open now that she is alone there in the home they shared for 20+ years I am so very worried about her. Depression is something that has been her shadow for years. Not exactly sure how much more she can take..  I think this is all I can write today..