It has been a while since I have been on blogger and for anyone who maybe reading this or following it.. I'm Sorry. A lot has happened. To catch you up. Since my Fathers death Day 1.. Hired an attorney. 6 months later lawyer will not return phone calls nor has there been a court date to work out probate/ heirship.
In July Mom bought a new car.. Going from a 96 sunfire to a new-ish 2014 Malibu. She is currently with me here in Oklahoma. She spent her birthday and 4th of July here with us. The beginning of the visit did not go so well, but as time has gone on it has gotten so much better. My mom is not really acclimated to being around other people. She is getting better, but sometimes she will zone out in her place that she goes to. I want her to know that no one is attacking her. My anxiety level has subsided since her being here, but I am sure once she goes back home it will return.
I myself have been battling an addiction that I started long ago. You would think watching your father battling lung cancer would be enough for someone to quit smoking, but I swear it makes it even harder.. But with many failed attempts, and I say failed I successfully quit for a year.. but because I started back up I consider that a failed attempt.. I am going to go again... I have to.. I keep having nightmares of leaving my son and my husband.. I know that I have to succeed.. Thoughts of what happens to you when you die and what makes us, us? Is there a heaven? Is this all there is.. I have my religious friends who celebrate as loved ones pass away, and well blind faith has never been my thing..
My son has started asking me if I am happy. My reply is always "Well Jimmy, you make me happy". I want him to feel free to ask me questions about dad. I tell him Pawpa is in heaven, but as his mothers child he asks the hard questions that nobody has the answers to. Dreams of flying with Pawpa. Seeing Pawpa with us on trips, and Jimmy talking to him in the back seat, and about how he is going to fix his body and bring him back so mommy will be happy again.. It is hard, But I'm not sure what will be harder.. Hearing him ask this stuff and seeing him or when it stops...
I feel my struggles with my depression.. I didn't really think he was seeing it, but judging by his statements it must be written on my forehead with bold red marker.
My husband... James is trying his hardest to keep up. He is trying and well that is why I love him! I don't know where I would be without him. Speaking of Husband 7 years of marriage will be marked on August 1, 2016. This weekend we will be celebrating. I am sure we will Casino hop.. go have a great dinner, and maybe win a little money and if not we will have a great night! I cant wait!
Dads Funeral/Party.. Okay so we didn't have a funeral.. He didn't want that. He wanted a party so I am throwing dad a Birthday Party August 27th.. His birthday was August 28th, but that is on a Sunday and to accommodate everyone that Saturday turning over to his Birthday I felt would be better. So here we go. I am ready to tell my Dad goodbye, and for the closure that comes with that if that even exists.. I know I will miss him forever and will always think of him often, but I am hoping this party will help with the just complete and utter sadness I feel all the time. Things have gotten a lot better, but I still have a long way to go. Other than that.. I'm hanging in there, and will write again soon.
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