Goodbye 2020

 Goodbye to the worst year! With at the very beginning of the year losing my job. It was a slow and mercilessly loss.. after months of thinking I might come through this unscathed I found out nope.. to cherry on the top my unemployment was cut and I am having to relentlessly call and follow up still January of 2021 it is now finished and I have yet to get a cent.. we shall see.. Christmas came and passed. We had an uneventful peaceful Christmas. This year was not unlike any other and that was important for me to keep that normalcy. Jimmy is almost 9 now and we are home schooling. Super happy to have the opportunity and option to do this. So many do not. I keep my pity party to a minimum because I know that so many people have to do what they have to do. Wish us luck in 2021 and hopefully one day soon this will be a memorable experience that I got to spend time I was so desperate for end of last year. Got to check some boxes off my bucket list and get my affairs in order. For all those traveling down this unpaved road with me.. keep you head up and know although our road are different we will meet down the road and you are not alone! 

6 Months in 2 days

           It has been a while since I have been on blogger and for anyone who maybe reading this or following it.. I'm Sorry. A lot has happened. To catch you up. Since my Fathers death Day 1.. Hired an attorney. 6 months later lawyer will not return phone calls nor has there been a court date to work out probate/ heirship.
          In July Mom bought a new car.. Going from a 96 sunfire to a new-ish 2014 Malibu. She is currently with me here in Oklahoma. She spent her birthday and 4th of July here with us. The beginning of the visit did not go so well, but as time has gone on it has gotten so much better. My mom is not really acclimated to being around other people. She is getting better, but sometimes she will zone out in her place that she goes to. I want her to know that no one is attacking her. My anxiety level has subsided since her being here, but I am sure once she goes back home it will return. 
           I myself have been battling an addiction that I started long ago. You would think watching your father battling lung cancer would be enough for someone to quit smoking, but I swear it makes it even harder.. But with many failed attempts, and I say failed I successfully quit for a year.. but because I started back up I consider that a failed attempt.. I am going to go again... I have to.. I keep having nightmares of leaving my son and my husband.. I know that I have to succeed.. Thoughts of what happens to you when you die and what makes us, us? Is there a heaven? Is this all there is.. I have my religious friends who celebrate as loved ones pass away, and well blind faith has never been my thing..
          My son has started asking me if I am happy. My reply is always "Well Jimmy, you make me happy". I want him to feel free to ask me questions about dad. I tell him Pawpa is in heaven, but as his mothers child he asks the hard questions that nobody has the answers to. Dreams of flying with Pawpa. Seeing Pawpa with us on trips, and Jimmy talking to him in the back seat, and about how he is going to fix his body and bring him back so mommy will be happy again.. It is hard, But I'm not sure what will be harder.. Hearing him ask this stuff and seeing him or when it stops...
          I feel my struggles with my depression.. I didn't really think he was seeing it, but judging by his statements it must be written on my forehead with bold red marker.
           My husband... James is trying his hardest to keep up. He is trying and well that is why I love him! I don't know where I would be without him. Speaking of Husband 7 years of marriage will be marked on August 1, 2016. This weekend we will be celebrating. I am sure we will Casino hop.. go have a great dinner, and maybe win a little money and if not we will have a great night! I cant wait!
            Dads Funeral/Party.. Okay so we didn't have a funeral.. He didn't want that. He wanted a party so I am throwing dad a Birthday Party August 27th.. His birthday was August 28th, but that is on a Sunday and to accommodate everyone that Saturday turning over to his Birthday I felt would be better. So here we go. I am ready to tell my Dad goodbye, and for the closure that comes with that if that even exists.. I know I will miss him forever and will always think of him often, but I am hoping this party will help with the just complete and utter sadness I feel all the time. Things have gotten a lot better, but I still have a long way to go. Other than that.. I'm hanging in there, and will write again soon.
          

Houston livestock show and Rodeo

Houston Live stock show and Rodeo!

Jimmy's First EVER! he had a blast! Here are some of the photos:

 Jimmy and NANA getting some Taffy! 

Eating at Yamato

It is always a good time for some Hibachi and sushi, as always YAMATO was Delicious! Jimmy always has to have his photo made with the over-sized panda statue! 

Back to Nanna's house we go!

 Jimmy and My Uncle Clifford after everyone left.. We arrived Friday got to hang with Aunt Vernette and My cousin Michelle. Jimmy was just so pooped! 

Nanna made jimmy Cheese Omelette and fruit! 

Spent time with my uncle. He went with me to get the Camero inspected. Met some interesting people at a Schlotsky's in Pearland.. Got a standing date with my uncle to go check out AL-T's Seafood and Steakhouse in Winnie, TX advised by a patron that it is the best.. Only on Saturday's lol we shall see.. Great Visit :) 

Birthday week for Jimmy

Birthday Week for Jimmy! THE CAKE!

Jimmy and  Mommy and Dada at Walmart picking out present 

BOWLING@Heyday
In Norman, OK. Pizza, Cheese fries and a good time!

 Off to the Water Park!! Water Zoo in Clinton, OK 

Days in stay! Dada and Jimmy watching some TV the night before!

 

Breakfast at the Cafe in Clinton, OK 

At the Water park ready to get some sliding on 

We Had so Much Fun we decided that the Fun should not end.. Went back for some Put put!




  Happy Birthday My Little Man BIG 4!

Aftermath

The Aftermath of Cancer.. The aftermath of death and mourning. My father has been gone now 4 weeks tomorrow.. This is not over for me. This will never be over for me. The void of my father is unimaginably hard. Normal things that I would call and tell him, my Son wanting to face-time. These things at times sends me spiraling into an uncontrollable sadness.. 

I realize it has been just barely a month, but this is not getting any easier. Harder if anything.. I find myself watching videos of past family events looking for the traces of my father interacting with my son.. This has become something that I  have had to make myself stop for the moment. People say that when the hair stand up on your arms for no reason that is a sign of other energy in the room with you..I get that a lot. I would like to think that my father comes to see me, and that reaction is one that is derived from his presents in any basic form.. I wish i believed that.. I WANT to believe that.. 

The things coming up which (My sons Birthday) usually a well planned out bash with tons of family and laughter is less to be desired this year. My husband preemptively bought cake.. At first i was mad but later thinking about it i am happy to have this almost over and his birthday is tomorrow. I am looking forward to the weekend and taking him to an indoor water park, still there is a big piece missing.. Wondering when this feeling will go away, and if I will ever over come this void in my life. I'll let you know.